It’s time to stop paying ‘the bride’s price’

Tanyalak Thongyoojaroen - is a young feminist and human right activist.

Dated: 11 October 2017

Author: Tanyalak Thongyoojaroen

There are many rituals in Thailand, from childbirth to funeral rites. As in other countries, Thailand has long-established rituals for the wedding ceremony. I have attended quite a few wedding ceremonies since I was young. I have seen the “kan mak”, a kind of engagement tray holding betel nuts, leaves and flowers (symbolizing prosperity) and precious items like gold necklaces and silver bags of money. I have seen the blessing by Buddhist monks who light candles and chant and pray for the couple.

But for me, the one ritual that sets the Thai wedding ceremony apart from that of many other cultures is the “sin sod”, or “the bride’s price”. As I grew older, the bride’s price became an increasingly controversial subject. Some people still follow and stand strongly behind the tradition, while others come up with new ways to define it. I wholeheartedly oppose it.

The practice is deeply rooted in Thai culture, passing on from generation to generation. According to the Royal Institute Dictionary, sin sod is “the money that the groom gives to the father and mother of the bride for her mother’s milk and rice”. However, sin sod does not involve only cash; it can be gold, a diamond ring, or anything valuable, as agreed on between the two parties. The bride’s price can be anywhere from 10,000 Baht to 1 million baht (about USD 290 to USD 30,000) or more depending on the negotiations.

From my personal experience, the two parties--the groom, the bride and their parents--come together to negotiate the price before the ceremony in order to not lose face. If the price is too low, people may gossip. The bride's parents might think the groom is looking down on the bride or her family. The groom's family also may be humiliated if they cannot afford the price.

It is important to note that the bride’s price can be set depending on her social and career status, education, age, beauty. The price can fall drastically or reach zero if the bride is divorced and has children because Thai society values virginity. I think the process is unacceptable. It involves checking the bride’s traits step-by-step--“a quality check”--and then setting a price after negotiation. It consists of “value judgments” of women and putting a price on them in the end. The custom also ridiculously devalues women who were previously married. It treats grooms as “buyers” and brides as “buy-able”. It implies that men are superior and women are inferior.

Shouldn’t we start questioning what the bride’s price really stands for and whether it should play a role in our society?

When people are asked why the groom should pay for the bride, one of the main reasons I have heard is that the groom should compensate for” kha nam nom”, or the cost for the mother’s milk (breastfeeding). To put it simply, paying the cost for breastfeeding is a means of honouring the bride’s parents, of showing gratitude for bringing up their daughter. If that is the case, I can’t help wondering: If the groom ought to show his gratitude, shouldn’t the bride do the same, since both parties should be treated and respected equally?

Additionally, it is commonly assumed that the groom is required to pay the bride’s price in order to affirm his financial security and ability to take care of his bride. From where I’m standing, when anyone assumes that men are the ones who should be financially stable and responsible for the family--in this case, before the family has even started--that automatically reinforces stereotypes of the roles of men and women. Tradition labels men as the breadwinners and leaves the role of women unanswered. But in reality, a majority of women nowadays work in different sectors and achieve their financial goals. In my book, men and women should equally share roles and responsibilities in a family.

The sin sod tradition not only forces men to give up their money but also plays a big role in underlining stereotyped gender roles. As I see it, no human being should be judged and marked with a price. Love is definitely something we can never buy.